Forever Alone

I'm lonely. I don't know how much longer I can handle this. Probably, like, another year. After that, I'll probably go crazy. I fantasize all the time about what it would be like. I'm so desperate, I even google pictures. So many pictures. And I click on every single one. You know, so I can see them in more detail. Except for when the image is the same size. That stuff sucks. And sometimes the image is even smaller. What's up with that crap? Now that I think about it, I don't click on every picture. Some of them are ugly as hell. But I click on a lot of them. I can't help it. I mean, look at this.

Frickin' hot, right?

So amazing. You can't even begin to imagine how badly I want one. A tortoise. Not a turtle. I don't have anything against aquatic animals, I just think it's a lot more difficult to create a beautiful and long-lasting friendship with someone when they're underwater most of the time. Have you ever tried to talk to someone underwater? It doesn't work. 

And I don't want just any tortoise. I want a Russian tortoise, and I want one for a number of reasons:

1. They live for 75 years. That's, like, practically as long as I'm gonna live. I'd never be lonely again.

2. They'd be really good spies. You don't often hear about non-Russian spies.

3. Russian accents are freaking bad-ass. I know tortoises don't talk often, but I want mine to be thinking in a freaking awesome accent.

And I already have an awesome name for him. Charleton. The "e" is silent. It's just there to make it fancier so it goes with the monocle that he's going to be wearing.