Friendship

On more than one occasion, I've found myself in positions that could have easily been avoided. For instance, I am currently upside down in my chair. That could have been avoided had I placed my butt on the chair first, rather than my face.

I could have also avoided embarrassment in social situations by thinking about what I say before I say it. I'm sure I've scared off  a number of potential friends by telling them things like, "My cat threw up on me yesterday. It was yellow. Oh don’t worry, not the cat. The puke," or, "I once ate a beetle because it looked like a Raisenet!" or, "I love you." I’m sure it happens to you as often as it does me.

It’s really a painful situation for all taking part in the banter (unless someone’s a d-bag). After I say something stupid, my thoughts are kind of like this: Oh. My. God. Who just said that? That was so stupid of them. Wait…that was me! GAH! WHAT THE HECK. Stop looking at me like that! Uhh, I must redeem myself…Uhhh…uhhhh, “Just kidding!” [everyone laughs awkwardly]

Everyone else is thinking something along the lines of Wow. This poor guy. I can’t believe he just said that. What should I do? I could laugh it off, but he might think I’m laughing at him…’cause I would be. I wonder if it tasted like a Raisenet. Oh, wait. He just said he’s kidding [awkward laughs].

The jerks that are in on the conversation start laughing hysterically and thinking My hair is so cool. Where’s a mirror. Ooooh, yeah. Sexy.

[paragraph smoothly leading transition to next paragraph about main topic]

And though lions would be ten times more awesome if they had laser vision and could fly, they still wouldn’t make good friends, and not just because of their chainsaw claws. They wouldn’t be able to do the two basic things that make people friends: shared experiences (lions aren’t allowed into movies – they distract the audience with lasers on the screen) and conversation (their accents are horrible).

Shared Experiences

After you go to the movies or to a restaurant or whatever with some friends or acquaintances, you always feel closer to everyone who was there. Unless you told them about your cat’s puke (or unless someone was a total jerk). This is because suddenly you have something in common with everyone who was there: the experience.

The experience is now something that everyone who was present can draw on when talking to each other. They can be like, “Oh, hey! Remember that one night when I did that thing with the straw and the waitress?” “OH YEAH! That was awesome! Haha!” “I know!” Only the people who were present will have a clue what they are talking about.

Not all experiences are created equal, however. Saying, “Remember that one time when we were walking to class and nothing particularly interesting happened?” is bound to get a less enthusiastic response than, “Remember that one time when we were cliff diving and that lion flew over and caught us? His accent was hilarious!” Here are some different experiences and their likely effectiveness in bringing people together.

-Watching television: It’s not very effective

-Sleeping: It doesn’t effect FRIEND.

-Seeing a good movie: Normal effectiveness

-Discovering a world with a totally rad lion in the back of a wardrobe – Like, really really effective (But what the heck were you planning on doing in there?)

The experiences don’t necessarily have to be fun to make people better friends. Traumatic experiences also bring people closer together.

-Stubbing your toe: Not effective at all, and everyone thinks you’re a wimp because your eyes start watering.

-Everyone present stubs toes: A little effective

-Seeing a bad movie: Kind of effective

-Emergency room run: Very effective.

-Shank or gunshot wound: It’s super effective! (must be accompanied by ER run, however)

Of course, this has its exceptions. For instance, if you stabbed your friend, that could be pretty bad for the friendship, even if you drove him to the ER afterward. Death can do some considerable damage to the friendship as well.

Conversation

Conversation is a different creature from shared experiences. Unlike those, with a conversation you can’t just jump right into the good stuff. There is a very strict code of conduct when it comes to conversations.

First of all, there are three different levels of conversation: “shallow”, “deep”, and “like, really deep.”

Shallow conversation topics are what you would expect. They consist of things you talk about with strangers when forced to interact with them, such as the weather, the news, and how one time you threw up on your dog (oh, wait…). Compliments about appearance also are in this category, but you must use them sparingly and subtly. If you overuse them or interject with one at an inappropriate time, bad things happen (involving some tweezers and arm hair).

Topics in the “deep” category deal mostly with emotions or emotional things that aren’t normally considered appropriate to discuss with strangers. Things like embarrassing anecdotes, love life, and feelings that don’t involve the person you’re talking to are on this level. Compliments about someone’s personality fall under here, too.

Things that are, like, really deep are secrets, like how you sleep with your teddy bear still, or how you have all the seasons of Gilmore Girls on DVD, or how you have a shrine to Ke$ha in your closet.

With those in mind, let’s see the rules for what society dictates is a normal conversation.

1.      Start with the shallow.

2.      After (or if) initial awkward interaction subsides, you can move to deep stuff.

3.      Repeat about a billion times.

4.      After step three, it’s probably safe to proceed to, like, really deep stuff.

Deviations from this method can result in a number of different situations.

1. “This is a little awkward.” This usually happens when you proceed to step two prematurely. They don’t know what to say, and their lack of response makes you self-conscious. D-bags do this religiously.

You: How’re you liking this weather.

Stranger: It’s nice.

You: Yeah. You are so nice and caring.

Stranger: Who are you?

You: But you can be a little selfish. I ran over my neighbor’s cat this morning.

Stranger: …

2. “He’s outgoing.” This also happens when you skip to step two, but it’s done with charisma and class.

3. “I think you’re creepy.” This always happens when you jump directly to step four and skip the other three. No exceptions. You can’t tell someone whose name you just learned that you occasionally feel the desire to dress up as a woman. You just can’t. Unless you’re a woman, I guess. It would still be kind of creepy to tell someone that, though. This also occurs when you repeatedly proceed to step two prematurely.

You: Hello!

Stranger: Hi.

[awkward silence]

You: So, I kind of think I might kind of, like, like this one girl. She’s so nice. At least I think she is. I’m divorced. Well, kind of. It's complicated

Stranger (now creeped out): Oh…uh, that’s cool.

You: Yeah. I love you. What?

Stranger: …

As a rule of thumb, with acquaintances you should stick to shallow topics. With friends, you can use shallow and deep topics. Reserve the really deep stuff for people you know won’t get creeped out.